Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
