Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
