there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
