New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
