I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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