My room smells like vodka and shame
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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