The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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