I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
