Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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