I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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