I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
