That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
