Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
