It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
