remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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