I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
