Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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