dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
