Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
