It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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