How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish they made helmets for livers.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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