so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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