doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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