bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
