I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
