Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
