My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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