You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
