every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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