He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
