Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
