i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
