I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
