It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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