not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
