you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
