So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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