batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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