Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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