Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
