Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
