His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
