god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
