I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
