I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
