Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I enjoy the company of your penis
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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