I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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