bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
