She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
