I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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