Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
